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Category Archives: Anand Shivkumaran

The Romance with StarOne comes to a Grind Halt!

Change they say is the only constant thing in life. But change brings with it a lot of happy and sad moments. I still fondly remember my days in first year of college when my senior and I would religiously be glued to the Television in our hostel never to miss an episode of Remix, Sarabhai Vs Sarabhai. Thus started my romance with StarOne as a  channel that soon became my favorite. 

At the outset, the Channel was not just entertaining it was addictive. As the list of programmes and the variety it offered only made TV viewing an inevitable habit, the wrapping up of the shows on it, became like a heavy moment to live with.

Strange isnt it? Who would ponder so much over a mode of entertainment. But StarOne besides being a total entertainer, offered variety of “Youth Shows” as everyone calls them, that no other Channel on Indian Television could boast of.



From Siddhant, Guns and Roses, Hotel Kingston, India Calling to Laughter Challenge, Dil Kya Chahta Hai, Men Mange More,Family Business to a totally different genre of romance with Remix, Dill Mill Gaaye, Miley Jab Hum Tum, Rang Badalti Odhani, Geet Hui Sabse Parayi, I fell head over heels in love. To say it was a non-living entity would be an understatement. With the varied emotions and the sleepless nights it gave me, I had no other option but to completely take a plunge into the madness. I have made some of the best friends through the Discussion forums of this Channel and today as the Channel bids adieu to its old avatar and takes a new form with a new name Life OK, I am finding it extremely hard to let go. Is it just me who feels this way?

We at Rangmunch.TV tried to get in touch with some of the known names and faces in the industry who have been closely associated with the Channel through their shows to know what they feel at the moment.

Industry Bids Adieu to StarOne Part 1:

Gul Khan (Geet-Hui Sabse Parayi-Producer 4Lion Films):  Our association with StarOne has been fantastic. Geet is a product of a perfect collaboration between the channel and us. Rohini Singh with her creative brilliance, Nissar with his Direction, Richa as the Creative Director, and Hrishi with the camera work made a brilliant team. All of us have worked so hard that there was never a disparity between channel and team. When we did drama in the beginning which was not working for us, I remember how we would sit and cry with disappointment. Richa once came home, and the TRP around that time was 0.1, we cried so much that we started laughing after that. 

Then we put our minds together and decided to change the genre. The heavy drama and family was not working for us so we switched the Romantic-Comedy zone and that’s how the Geet everyone has gone onto love today was born. We discarded the old cast, brought Maan and Geet together and set off on the roller coaster ride. Things slowly started picking up. It soon became a cult. The amount we cried, we laughed that much later. But I admit, its been hard. We as a Production House would like to thank all the fans for sticking by us and loving us.

Anand Sivakumaran (Writer-Director):  What appealed about Star One to me was the intention – to create content for people like me who have no other alternative in terms of Indian Television. We who end up watching American and British TV shows because in sensibility and character attitudes and thought processes, they’re closer to us than any Indian TV show. The chance of doing something like that which reflected the thought processes, aspirations, realities of urban, metro India was exciting. 

The journey had it’s ups and downs – in the first interaction when I was involved with Guns and Roses and Studio 1 was exciting but ultimately disappointing cause though we had lofty ambitions, somehow we didn’t manage to achieve them. the second round was more satisfying when I did Miley Jab Hum Tum cause while I feel we could have gone much further and taken the show even closer to what are urban realities and aspirations today, we did strike a chord with young urban people, we made a place in their hearts and we were the most successful show that Star One had ever seen. I feel if the channel had progressed further and taken the Miley genre, space further, perhaps it would have been way more successful. But that’s water under the bridge.


Life’s OK – no comments.

A bit of sadness – there was a unique vision that perhaps did not materialize as it should have. But I still think a channel like this has its niche audience and can be successful if someone’s willing to invest in it, nurture it and go out on a limb to make it happen

Message? Keep the faith. Another time, another platform, maybe not on TV but online – but there will be the shows we want to see. IT WILL HAPPEN.



Sukirti Kandpal (Pia- Pyar Ki Yeh Ek Kahani): Well…. The association has been amazing… Its been a wonderful journey. I’ve learnt a lot, grown up and been a part of the process. There is a name change and change is the way of life… 🙂 the show must go on… I think that’s the essence of life and my profession I love it.



Iqbal Rizvi (Director): Star One epitomized youth, it had a variety of shows that catered to the modern and the young audience whether it was Sarabhai vs Sarabhai or Guns and Roses or REMIX, these shows set the tone to what Star One was to cater to us for so many years. I remember there being a phase where I was contacted for many shows and the first thing they would tell me was it is not a saas bahu show it is a youth show. 

STAR ONE hence was always a channel synonymous with youth and more importantly catered to an audience that had no other shows to look forward too. STAR ONE  did under go a metamorphosis over the last few years trying to cater to the gentry as well as the masses and the approach met with great success with shows  like Miley Jab Hum Tum, Rang Badhalti Odhani  and Geet Hui Sabse Parayi being hugely popular as RANGMUNCH would endorse.  I shall sorely miss STAR ONE with whom I had a close affinity having directed shows like REMIX and Jaane Pehchaane Se Yeh Ajnabi for them. THANK YOU STAR ONE for all those moments that lit up our lives.

Gautam Hegde (Writer): I remember when Star One was launched sometime in 2004, I was very new to the TV industry then and was completely in love with the channel- its tagline was Apni Tuning Jamegi and it had this complete fun feel to it. The promos, the packaging- it was like a wafer, crisp, fresh, you couldnt just have ONE! Sarabhai, Instant Khichdi, Remix, Guns n Roses, Pyar Ki kashti, Hotel Kingston (you may think I’m googling the names but the truth is I remember because I was awestruck that TV can be THIS too!!) And I secretly wished to be a part of Star One someday. 

And somehow I think God hears the whispers that you send to your own heart as well. A few years later, Vivek Bahl offered me to write for Annu Ki Ho Gayi Wah Bhai Wah!


Today the channel’s phasing out and we won’t get to see the ONE logo any more, but what matters is that somewhere it is still framed in our hearts, like the cupid in the end page of Love Ne Mila Di Jodi, like the whistle theme of Miley Jab Hum Tum, like the Ishq leta hai song from Dil Mil Gaye, like Maaheee from Geet. Its something we wont remember, because yaad toh tab aayega na jab bhool jayenge! 🙂  

Star Desh/ Life Ok is coming with a new set of shows, so let’s all wait and watch what they get and hope we still have more characters that become memorable, more love themes, more jodis, kyunki bhai, dil toh bahut bada hai, jagah banane ki der hai!

Hitesh Kewalya (Writer): Miley Jab Hum Tum launched me as a writer in the television industry and that’s why Star One is more like a milestone in my life. Its been a great journey where the channel was more like a platform which enabled so many like minded creative professionals to come together and create.

‘Life Ok’ as we now speak. I am definitely looking forward to a spunky new channel and a variety of shows that should capture the audience’s imagination and who knows…Another Milestone…in the making!!

A huge thanks to the loyal…dedicated set of audience who shared the smiles and the tears of all the characters and made them their own. The audience is not just a set of eyeballs viewing an even happening…they are participants of this spectacle called a Story. A huge Thank you for all the bouquets and the brickbats for all the love and the hate mails for all the likes and the dislikes. 

Noel Smith (Director):The channel was young in content , programs were youth based and it had spunk to it, which also was fun to shoot and be around many young fresh faces. I did “Geet- Hui Sabse Parayi” for long period of time. It was again a young , fun , romantic and lots of drama and I had all the creative independence on how to shoot a certain scene , which I think is most important thing for any Director to have and cast also fully supported me in it. So it was good in all. I always thought and still think we have a lot of literature which is untouched, stories by great writers, novels which can be very interesting for us to make and for people to watch. So I am hoping to see some shows based on stories /novels maybe in today’s setup or even short stories from all over the world to be translated into shows. It is the end of an era and a beginning of new one !! So hang on … while we get even better !

Note: These are excerpts from the conversations with the known names of the industry, whose full accounts will soon be published on Rangmunch.TV.


We will be back again, with more accounts, more stories of the people from the industry who have shared their experience with StarOne.

Interviewed by:

Niharika Vidya Sagar
Rangmunch.TV
 

POOJA MISSRA KO KOLLA VERI KYON AATI HAI?

                                    
                                           
              
Be it Missra Ben or Mamta di, Harvinder or Sky, there are some serious anger issues here. And behind that anger there’s probably a very interesting story.

  • Did her older sibling bonk her on the head with a toy guitar and tell her she was picked up from the gutter? (no jokes – I know someone who did this… and it wasn’t meJ)
  • Did a cackling crow keep him awake all night?
  • In the class 3 production of the Princess and the Frog was she cast as the frog?
  • Did his parents never let him watch WWF?

Now sure, none of these are probably the truth – but each one of these is a pretty interesting starting point to a story. As would be the real reasons behind the murderous rage that so many people seem to be showing nowadays. Maybe it’s the Kolla veri song itself that causes people to lose their rationality and start heaving things at each other, assassinating doors and butchering inanimate objects… Wow! There’s another film here (if any producers, writers, directors are reading this column and planning to filch any of these – refrain – any idea mentioned here has been registered already – so Nyaah, nyaah ne nyaah na!!!


What’s my point – well my dad and several others keep asking me where I get the idea for my stories and scripts from. And just before beginning to keyboard this column, I was stuck for a pretty long time figuring what I should write about. Which is exactly what happens before I get the idea for a story or script – so I decided to use this piece to answer the question – what is the trigger point for a story?

And the answer is… wait for it… ANYTHING. EVERYTHING!

Let me illustrate.

AAJ KI TAAZA KHABAR

About 4 years ago I read a news item about 5 call centre employees pulling off a scam of about 2.5 crores. What excited me wasn’t the scam but the thought – why did these normal middle class youths do this? What prompted such all consuming greed?

As it turned out, I did sweet F^%$ all with the idea. But then the idea came back to me earlier this year when I read about a young college kid who’d scammed 25 lakhs using the internet. Now again what really got my creative juices flooding my cranium was a comment by one of the guys who’d gotten scammed – “This boy is so brilliant. I hope he gets on the right path.”

In that line was the tragedy of the story and of a generation. Super smart, multi-talented young kids with the promise of becoming the next Tendulkar/Bachchan/Jobs throwing it all away for instant gratification. And thus was born Money Devo Bhava.

Kalyug happened similarly with Mahesh Bhatt having come across a news article about a young couple who’d gone to celebrate their honeymoon and realized that their marital coupling had been recorded and turned into erotic entertainment! And he asked himself – what would a simple middle class boy put in such a situation do? That’s how that tale began…

Two leading newspapers today are running a story about how Mumbai-ites are seriously vacation deprived (me too). Maybe there’s a film here…


MAIN TOH BHEL PURI KHA RAHA THA




Then there are those moments when you just see a small incident in front of you and an entire story unfolds.

For me that happened when I was trying to retrieve what I thought was my suitcase from an airport conveyor belt and a fairly embarrassing incident didn’t happen. But it hit me – it could have happened. I could have gotten slapped. Or arrested. Which led to a screwball comedy about a couple, a red suitcase and loads of on the run madness in a foreign country. Anybody with contacts in Thailand/Mauritius/Maldives or just some spare crores lying around, do get in touch. J


YEH HAI MERI KAHANI

One’s own life and experiences – best take off point for a story. Like my film Chickotee – sure the base story of the film isn’t exactly my own, though I must confess I did have a crush on the girl next door when I was… actually who cares about the age (and even if you do, get lost). Mudda is several incidents in the script have originated from a host of crazy shenanigans during my childhood in various railway colonies – be it the ill fated attempt at checking out the haunted building in the neighbourhood or the colony play (yah so I wasn’t Ali Baba but the robber chief – didn’t anyone tell you villains are more interesting?)

Taking off from one’s own life have lead to masterpieces like Janam, Arth, Almost Famous. So not a bad place to start.

Of course there are also times when after seeing someone’s movies one wonders – My God! What happened in that guy’s life? Like say Pyar Ka Punchnama – I never want to meet the women who came into that writer’s life. Or say Shankar’s movies – all of which have the protagonist decimating representatives of the system – cops/politicos/bureaucrats et al in the goriest, max agony causing fashion – cooking them alive (Anniyan/Aparichit), disembowelling on national TV (Indian/Hindustani). That way he was fairly gentle and teddybearish in Mudalvan/Nayak (only suspensions and jail terms) and in Sivaji (just took away all their money and bashed them up a bit – though the main villain did get stampeded and trodden to death). The question that my brother and I come up after rewatching any of his films (we love them J) is – who committed what unspeakable atrocity to him/ his family/his pets when he was growing up???


CHURA LIYA HAI TUMNE


Ok. Forget the title above (I only chose it to get your attention). Am talking about shameless filching from Hollywood/South/Korea etc. There are times when a film or TV show or book can give rise to a totally unrelated idea. Like when I saw the promo for Karthik calling Karthik – just the phone call led me to think of a call between a guy and girl. Of course with a huge twist which involves different eras, attempting to change the past… ‘Nuff said. It’s a doozie. Don’t want to make this entire column sound like a pitch for my work but in case you do know some Moneybags… nudge, nudge, wink, wink. J

And sometimes two people can come up with the same idea at the same time. When I was still in school (and supposedly swotting for the JEE) I’d come up with this idea of two powerful, business families at war and to save them from this battle, the sons are sent off to study abroad. As it turns out the two sons meet, become friends but when they come back to Inda… Mahabharat time. And then a couple of years later I saw two films Kshatriya and Parampara. Darned if they weren’t exactly the same idea. Now I hadn’t told the idea to anyone so it couldn’t have been filched.

Wait a minute… what if someone entered my mind and stole the idea? Hey… that’s a great idea for a film… Dude. Have you seen Inception? Goddammit– somebody did it to me again!

‘Nuff Said J

By Anand Sivakumaran

 
1 Comment

Posted by on December 3, 2011 in Anand Shivkumaran, Rangmunch

 

What the F*$#?: ACTORS ARE CATTLE- PART 2

A director friend of mine once commented –“I have no problems with actors till they attempt to use their non existent brains…” Which does sort of fit in with the way a theatre director describes actors in an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S – “my talking props.” Actors somehow seem to be the butt of everyone’s jibes – they’re everyone’s favourite dart board. So much so that after last week’s article some of my friends shared their best WTF moments with actors. And I’d like to begin this week’s column with one of those.

This is thanks to Harini Calamur – writer, producer, director, professor, blogger, slave to a beastly hound – all round ‘live-r’ of life and one of my oldest, closest friends.


PARAYE MARD KE SAATH SONA – HAAUUUUUUWWWWWW

In Harini’s words – “I was shooting this thingee … and the creative called for the mother to be woken up in the middle of the night to go to her crying child. The “actor” refused to comply. I am married to someone else. I can’t be shown in bed with another man. This when she was fully clothed, and on different ends of a king sized bed… *GRRRRR*.”

Interesting that she was ok with being shown as the mother of some other man’s child. But then this is India where babies are Bhagwaan ki vardaan.” Sex has nothing to do with our 1 billion plus population, does it. Which is why sex education is taboo but the number of teenage pregnancies and abortions mount alarmingly. Ah well…

OH BUTTERFLY
So there we are at the home of this young star (I really cannot call him an actor after seeing his last 3 films), narrating our script. The role was a lead one and that of a suicide bomber and consequently the narration had more than it’s share of tense, dramatic moments. Little did we know however that the most dramatic moment of all would be provided by the star! (Like I said footage khaus)

I had just gotten to the point where the character has a gun pointed at his head and is within inches of saying ta ta bye bye to the world when there was a loud screech and we saw the star jumping 6 feet into the air. And then racing out of the room. For a brief second I allowed myself the vanity of thinking my narration had been so stirring that the star had actually experienced his near death experience.

Fat chance. The star’s servant charged in and proceeded to bustle around the room with a broom. Turns out a BUTTERFLY had entered the room and guess what – said star is terrified of them!. Now I don’t want to mock anyone’s phobias – people can be scared of anything from eating peanut butter (arachibutyrophobia) to the number 13 (triskaidekaphobia). But behaving like a kangaroo executing a double back flip and howling like a banshee at the same time – thoda overacting nahin lagta hai? Wait a minute – why did I expect anything different – I saw his last film!!!

Ok now to wind up coming to the two categories of actors I genuinely loathe – what’s that you’re saying? One more story? Hmmmm… for love? Alrighty then.

YEH KNEE MUJHE DE DE WRITER

Ok I swear I’m not making this up. And yes the lady I’m talking about is probably the cuckoo-est actor I have yet met in this business. But one never knows what the morrow will bring.

Anyway cut to another narration – this being for a songless thriller, the main protagonist being a woman. Now this entire project had been built around this actress cause of where the funding was coming from – but let’s not go there.

The nub of the story is when we were narrating the script to the actress for the first time. So I finish my entire telling and turn to lady for her reaction. And what she did made me want to execute the kind of jump I described in previous anecdote. She looked soulfully into my eyes, grabbed my knee and hissed – “Mere liye 6 acche gaane likh dijiye Anand jee, Madhuri Dixit waale.”

Now I’m goggling. When exactly during the narration had I metamorphosed into a music composer/song writer? Also wasn’t ‘Main Madhuri Dixit banna chahti hoon’ a tad passé? And most importantly why was she still squeezing my knee? Did she think it was some erogenous zone or pleasure centre that would have me melting and succumbing to her demands? (KNEECH–KAMI-KNEE– Sorry couldn’t resist that).

I thought I was staring at her stunned and aghast at the ludicrousness of it all. But my director tells me I was glaring at her as if to say –“Get your paws off my knee bitch before I break them off.”  What to say I find this kind of bindaas molestation very ‘knee’dless. OK. SORRY. I’ll stop.

But not before talking about the two detestable kinds of actors:

  1. The “INTELLIGENT” actorPlease to note, intelligence is in quotes. I have no problem with intelligent, thinking, smart actors. The trouble comes like my director friend said with the ones who attempt to flex their non existent cranial muscles. Like the ones who ask – So in this scene where I drink a cup of tea and put it down – where is my character coming from? What’s his childhood angst?
There is only one response to this utterly pseudo intellectual bullcrap. As my brother would respond – “You were never given teddy bears or rubber duckys as a kid, your parents locked you in the cupboard, and you were made to eat boiled eggs with jam. Now bring this all out in the scene where you drink your tea and put the cup down without any dialogues or props.” KHATAM SHUD

  1. THE “STAR” actor – Again please note, there are STARS and then there are those who have starry nakras. These could also be people who have been signed for a TV show and shot for just two days, these could be those waiting to be cast opposite Ranbir Kapoor in a K Jo film. Tantrums have nothing to do with being a STAR. So be it ordering food for 25 people from a 5 star at the producer’s expense and then taking it all home or flinging chai etc at a hapless assistant or turning up late or saying Aaj Mood Nahin Hai. The stories are endless, but the behaviour is just not acceptable.
Fact is the reason everyone in the business hates actors is that they make the most money and get the most attention. Plus there’s the belief that every other person involved with making a film/TV show works longer and harder than actors. I agree with the former – the actor is never the first person who arrives on set but (s)he always gets to leave first. The latter – not so much – actors have a very physically and emotionally demanding job – it’s their bodies, their emotions, their souls that are laid out on screen and to get it right they have to give it their all. True a lot of them give nothing at all but that’s their individual failing – that cannot demean the position of actors as a whole.

But the trouble comes when to add to this already existing bias and ill-feeling, actors behave badly, throw their weight around, make the lives of people around miserable. That’s when one is tempted to paraphrase Walter Winchell – “Bollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors.”

‘Nuff said.

Anand Sivakumaran
Rangmunch.TV
 
 

“WHAT THE F*$#%?” : ALL Actors are Cattle !

I didn’t say that. Alfred Hitchcock did. And after Carole Lombard marched a herd of cattle on to his set and stomped off, he rephrased his statement to, “I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.” Playwright Tom Stoppard went one step further, “Actors are the opposite of people.”
Let me confess. I don’t hate actors. Yes, there are times when I’d like to strangle them with their own large intestine after first removing the said organ from their stomach with the aid of a blunt butter knife. But that’s when they turn the Godfather-esque scene I’ve written into Golmaal 3. Or in two other circumstances that we will come to at the end of the piece. By and large I’m ok with actors. Some of them are actually people and nice ones at that.
But yes I have had some totally WTF moments with actors. Here are a few of them.

KHABARDAAR MERI HAWA NIKAALI TOH

It was the last day of shoot on a feature film. And a rather important scene involved an actress’ car springing a puncture. As it transpired, we were using the actress’ own car in the scene. But just before the shooting of the scene, when the assistants were about to open the valves of one of the tyres, she started kicking up a fuss. For some reason she felt that letting the air out of her tyres artificially would permanently damage them. No reasoning, no logic was getting past her obstinate refusal to not allow anyone to tamper with her tyres. With light fast depleting and several scenes left to shoot finally a compromise solution was worked out – all her tyres would be removed and tyres from the Producer’s car put in their place, those tyres would be the ones that would be molested by our malicious crew and post scene – all the tyres would be switched again.
You may ask why didn’t we just switch the cars? Well 3 scenes had already been shot with the actress’ car and audiences have this irritating habit of noticing if a blue car suddenly becomes red. And so a rather tiresome switcheroo happened and the scene was canned… There was a plot to stick nails in the original tires post shoot but ultimately everyone looked at each other and said – It’s ok, she’s an actress. And that was that.

BAAL BAAL DEKHO

This incident I’m not likely to forget in a hurry cause when it happened I would have happily given the actor in question a Brazilian hair wax where it hurts the most.
So this was when I was creative head of a production house and one of our shows had a night shoot. It was a fairly simple scene – a mock boxing match – no dialogues, nothing complicated – or so I thought when I turned it pre midnight…
At 3 AM I was rudely awakened by a frantic call from the set asking me if the boxing match could be shot with the two actors in track pants. I like to think of myself as a peaceful person, not given to homicidal urges. But if that question had been posed to me face to face, I swear Jack the Ripper would have had nothing on me. For the next 45 bechara assistant who had made the call wilted under my wrath – the nub of my diatribe revolving around his questionable parentage, a four and seven letter word punctuated assertion of how one had to be blind and mentally challenged to imagine boxers in anything but shorts and a graphical description of the steps I would take the following morning to ensure the non continuance of his lineage.
When I stopped to take a respiratory pause he squeaked out the truth – the problem was that the actor was refusing to wear shorts cause he hadn’t waxed his legs!
You might ask why, if the actor was so particular about his legs not revealing his kinship with the gorilla family, did he not indulge in a spot of Anne Frenching or the metrosexual equivalent before showing up on the sets? Excellent question and one I would have definitely put to the said actor if I had any conviction that I could look at him without giving in to the urge of burying my teeth in his neck and sucking all his blood out (oops guess I’m revealing my kindship with the vampire brigade). But like I said earlier it was 3 AM, any plan of causing bodily harm to the actor would result in far more pain for me vis-à-vis having to get out of bed, find a rick, go to the set and then only being able to do the rudra tandav on his privates. Also while the last plan sounded great in theory, it was completely impractical – we were shooting a daily and the actor would be needed, all bodily parts functioning, the very next day.
So instead I had to be satisfied with merely outlining my intentions as regards the actor to the hapless assistant – and obviously keeping telecasts in mind, none of the threats were physical – more along the lines of – “WEAR THE F*&%^%%^ shorts and shoot or I’ll chop off all your scenes and lines in the next 100 episodes. (last sub clause said with the same intensity with which one threatens to chop off someone’s anatomical essentials).
The threat worked, the scene was shot, I went back to sleep. And yes, the legs were pretty damn hairy…
UH OH. We have a problem – am already past my word limit but am not even half way through the relating of these anecdotes. What to say, these actors are such footage khaus. Guess we have no option but to continue next week.
But to sign off one last gem of a quote on the subject of actors by Walter Winchell “Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors.
‘NUFF SAID’


Anand Sivakumaran
Rangmunch.TV
 
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Posted by on November 11, 2011 in Anand Shivkumaran, Rangmunch

 

“WHAT THE F*$#%?”: Tere Har Zulm Ka Jawaab Doonga …

As a writer, director in this business the moment one hates the most is when one must offer one’s creative outpouring to the Grand Panjandrums of the entertainment world. For these dudes are the ones with the power to either turn your idea into a living cinematic testament to your storytelling abilities or to shove it and sometimes you into the nearest available dustbin. And while a simple rejection can still be faced (especially with a big bottle of cheap booze and lots of choice gaalis) what one normally receives instead is abject aggravation courtesy daft questions or asinine comments.
Trouble is if you want to continue to be in the business you can’t express verbally or facially, how stupid and ridiculous you think that feedback from the powers that be is… Consequently much like the hero in the first half of yesteryear’s Hindi movies or like the heroine of a daily soap in every episode till the one that brings the curtains down on the show, one just has to saho the shoshan, the emotional and intellectual aytachaar and wait for that one moment of vengeance to come when you can give it all back. That glorious day when in the words of the same hero – tere har zulm ka jawaab doonga!
Well it’s been more than a decade and the moment shows no sign of dawning and I’m getting kinda bored of waiting. Also I suspect that if I don’t release my dil ki bhadaas pretty soon, my head will be the site of the next volcanic eruption in this part of the world.
So this column is going to be about the truly mind bajaoing questions and comments that I keep encountering in my channel/producer/actor interactions and the zordaar jawaabs (ZJ) I’ve wanted to give them but out of an acute sense of self preservation, never have.

1. The first comment which is also the second most dangerous set of 4 words that a channel person or a producer can ever utter.



“I have an idea”
ZJ – Really? Shall we call a Minister for the official inauguration of your brain which till now was in Kumbhakarna zone? 
                            OR

Why the F*^% would you go and do something so disastrous to the future of this show/film/our careers/my sanity/your face (guess what I’m going to be reconstructing with a sledgehammer in the next ten seconds)

2. Going from disaster to catastrophe, here are the most dangerous set of 4 words that a channel person or a producer can ever utter.

“I saw a movie”
Which basically means now they have an idea ‘inspired’ by that F&%^&$% movie!!!
ZJ – I curse the producer, director, actor, writer, spotboy of the movie. I curse the DVD library owner who gave you the DVD. I curse the TV that didn’t commit hara-kiri instead of allowing you to watch the film. I curse the doctor who didn’t strangle you with your umbilical cord. I curse your parents for not using contraception…(This can go on for another 3 hours, and then I’ll need to stop to take a leak so better I cut it short right now and let you imagine the rest)

3. The comment that makes me go RED ROSS (ref- FRIENDS).

“This can be better”
ZJ – Absolutely. This whole situation can be better.

a.                          You could be a topless Playboy model in which case I could ignore the stupid horseshit coming out of your mouth and focus slightly lower down.
b.                 You could have half a brain so that you’d applaud my creative genius instead of passing judgement you stupid cow.
c.                      I could have packed my machete with me so I could be hacking    you into kheema





4. “I have a question” (as spoken by actor)

ZJ – 
NO. You cannot jump from a ten story balcony before delivering this line. NO. You cannot take off your shirt and before you even think of it I would suggest chest wax.
NO you cannot smooch the heroine you have a super humongous crush on! You’re married, you horny ass who can only think with his nether region.



5. “I have a question” (as spoken by actress)

ZJ
NO your 3 fans in Sanskaargram will not be offended if you say that.
NO I cannot trim this half page speech into 5 words to cope with your severely challenged memory that would give the hero of Ghajini a complex.
NO you cannot smooch the heroine you have a super humongous crush on – you’re already having an affair with the hero, you two timing wench.

6. “Aap ke paas aur kuch hai?” (as spoken by channel person/producer you have just pitched an idea/script to)

ZJHaan mere paas bungla hai, gaadi hai, ek maa bhi hai jo iss waqt yeh dua maang rahi hai ki tere muh mein keede pade, tujhe diarrhoea ho, diphtheria ho, malaria ho, tere baal jhad jaayen, tere wisdom tooth nikal aayen, teri biwi watchman ke saath bhaag jaayen


But the all time killer comment, the absolute BAAP of F*&^ ALL feedback has to be

7. “Mazaa nahin aaya”

And this one just can’t be answered with words, not even the ones concerned with the copulative habits of the other person’s female parents, siblings, relatives. The only possible response to this one would involve a coming together of the artist’s fist and the money man’s vocal cords. Which is exactly what happens in each such instance, albeit only in the creative chappies’ mind… Sure its not half as fun as doing it for real but it sure beats 14 years of chakki peesoing and peesoing.
But on an uplifting note, a version of No.7 is what multiple studio executives told George Lucas when he pitched Star Wars to them. And we all know where he ended up and nobody knows where the execs did. So here’s hoping…
Anand Sivakumaran
Rangmunch.TV
 
8 Comments

Posted by on November 4, 2011 in Anand Shivkumaran, Rangmunch

 

“WHAT THE F*$#%?” : EK KAUWE NE KK KO KHAAYA… !!

 
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Posted by on October 28, 2011 in Anand Shivkumaran, Rangmunch

 

“WHAT THE F*$#%?” : I LIKE FISH!!

 
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Posted by on October 22, 2011 in Anand Shivkumaran, Rangmunch